I’ve hit a wall.
Honestly, I’ve been hitting this exact same wall over and over again for months now. Don’t get me wrong—what started as unexpectedly running into this wall has turned into judo-chopping, karate-kicking, and occasionally running full-speed at it—but it’s the same stone wall every single time. It doesn’t matter how many different ways I try to move it, it doesn’t budge.
I am in an intensely uncomfortable season of learning and unlearning. If you haven’t reached this stage in your life yet, just know that trying to discern the two is just as important, confusing, and painful as each process individually. It’s exhausting. The real world as a whole is exhausting and surprise; you can no longer hide from yourself.
I used to think I suffered from what most millennials fall victim to: instant gratification syndrome. You know, seeing the life that I want and wanting it right away with little to no effort. I’ve found that the opposite is true for myself. I think about the life that I want and say, “Can’t wait to be that person one day.”
Similar to me saying that I can’t wait to be a mother, which really means I can absolutely wait (and I absolutely will) but when it happens, it’ll be b e a u t i f u l.
That works for pregnancy, but that doesn’t work for developing myself into the woman I want to be. Especially because (and this is a real kicker right here guys), the life that I want in the future is already here. It may not be the flashy future of my dreams, but it’s the root of it. It’s the outline of the paper, the sketch of the painting, the storyboard of my life’s film.
A year ago, when I thought about the future I wanted for myself, all I knew is that I wanted to exist in my entirety with dance, writing, and film. It was never about the how but it was always about being able to do everything that I wanted within the dance field on my own terms. Today, that is literally my life. I am self-employed and working with dance in so many different ways through physical practice, film, and writing.
So, what’s the problem?
Okay, okay. I can admit that it doesn’t look the way that I thought it would. It doesn’t feel the way that I thought it would. But this is it, this is my God given beginning. I’ve worked hard for this blessing and I need to stop wasting my time. I can’t keep imagining that I’ll have it together in the future or I’ll feel differently in the future or I’ll deserve it in the future. I deserve it now because guess what?
The future is now, baby girl, and there’s no time like the present to be the woman that you’ve always dreamed of. I’m crazy about her! It’s time to be just as crazy about the version of myself sitting here today.
The stone wall that I think is blocking all of my answers is really just my sign to stop running, for crying out loud, and truly be present in my truth. There’s no education system to hide behind. There’s no homework or studying for someone else’s test. As of right now, there isn’t even any clocking into someone else’s place of business. I already have the answers I’m looking for. I just need to stop looking everywhere else to find them.
You want to know what’s crazy? I just came to this realization as I typed it out. These are my thoughts in real time and I’m honestly so moved, because that realization is the exact answer I’ve been looking for. I’ve been desperate for someone to tell me how they realized they were already the person of their dreams, even though I know everyone truly learns that in their own time.
I just found it authentically.
Wow. I don’t know what else to say. If you’ve made it this far, thank you. Thank you for reading. You’re more than likely a friend of mine, so thank you for supporting me the way that you do. I am so thankful to have a space where I can share my story and find my truths at the same time. Thank you for being on this journey with me.
I appreciate you more than you know.